This Is My Fate
by Katseester
Summary: //His words brought my mind out of its self-induced fantasy world and back into reality somewhat, but I didn’t want to accept that I wasn’t Lacus Clyne. I had her face, her hair, her voice, so why couldn’t I be her?// Meer's reflections on her life.


**I said I wanted to write something angsty about Meer...so, here it is. I'm actually kinda proud of this piece. Well, actually, I like the beginning, but I think I went a bit too sappy and stuff at the end. Whatever. I thought that I portrayed Meer well (even if I didn't. Hehe...). If you don't agree, well, we're different people, and our views vary. Anyways, this is my angsty (sorta...I don't think there's alot of angst in it...) piece about Meer Campbell, inspired by Phases 46-47 of Gundam Seed: Destiny. Right. Go read it now.**

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This is fate, it seems. 

I never thought that I would die like this, not before I changed. I had always thought…I had always thought that my death would be quiet, that I'd be an old lady, long forgotten by my old childhood friends, by everyone, really. I had always thought that no one would really care about the girl with the gray hair, the Lacus Clyne wannabe. The girl who had her voice but nothing else; not her poise, not her attitude, and definitely not her looks. I had thought that I would live a peaceful life, somewhat tragic due to the fact that I would never achieve my life's dream.

But I suppose my thoughts never really accumulated to much, because I _did_ change, and I _did_ achieve my life's dream, however briefly.

I had never imagined that the chairman, Gilbert Durandal, would ask me to represent the PLANTs, much less as _Lacus Clyne_! I had my doubts at first, because I didn't think that he would actually want _me_, Meer Campbell, to represent him. I thought that it was a clever ploy, a plan for him to lead me on, to get my hopes up, only to shatter them. After all, Meer Campbell wasn't anyone special. She was just a hopeful singer who didn't know when to quit.

But, much to my surprise, the chairman held true to his word, and I became Lacus Clyne. I became a gorgeous woman with the vibrant hair I had always wanted, with the face I had always dreamed of having. I thought my life was perfect. I got to sing, I got to inspire hope into all of my fans. Oh, how they would despise me if they knew…

I was so caught up in my new life, that, piece by piece, Meer Campbell began to fade away, left behind like yesterday's trash, forgotten and trampled in the dirt. I wasn't Meer Campbell anymore, I was Lacus Clyne. I was who I wanted to be. Meer Campbell was nothing more but a dusty memory, a figment of my imagination, a dream that I could barely remember.

I got lost in my new identity. I truly believed that I was Lacus Clyne, that anyone who told me otherwise was totally and absolutely wrong. If they called me anything different, I would merely tilt my head and ask them politely what they were talking about. I didn't want to give it up, ever.

I was a fool. I was so caught up in my fantasy life that I failed to see that Gilbert Durandal was only using me, using me to work his real plan. He didn't want me for my benefit, he wanted me for his. And I was too blinded by my self-image to see it. I was too ignorant, basking in the shining light that was Lacus Clyne.

So I still kept believing that I was meant to do this, that this was for me, this was my destiny. I truly thought that if I was Lacus Clyne—which I was—I could do anything.

My thinking changed. Instead of the quiet, peaceful death that I had envisioned as Meer Campbell, I told myself that my death would be top of the news, a day to be remembered and mourned. I would never be forgotten, never. I was Lacus Clyne. I knew that if I died, there would be hundreds of people at my funeral. I didn't expect any less. Because, of course, I was Lacus Clyne.

I was so wrapped up in my perfect life that I became so confused when Athrun left. It was the first time my confidence slipped, that I actually thought that I might not be Lacus Clyne, that I might just be that gray-haired wannabe. My composure slipped on that stairwell and I screamed things Lacus Clyne would never scream. His words brought my mind out of its self-induced fantasy world and back into reality somewhat, but I didn't want to accept that I wasn't Lacus Clyne. I had her face, her hair, her voice, so why _couldn't_ I be her?

After that incident I thought a lot. I couldn't believe that Athrun would do that, make me doubt myself. I was Lacus Clyne, wasn't I? I was! I There was no other person that I could possibly be!

When I saw the pink-haired woman on the television screen, intercepting my broadcast, it was the second time I became uncertain. I couldn't understand what this woman wanted so badly that she would impersonate Lacus Clyne! That she would impersonate me! How dare she claim that I, the real Lacus Clyne, was a fake?

My fantasy world began to crumble again, after it had taken so long to painstakingly rebuild. If this woman was the real Lacus…then who was I?

When the chairman sent me to Copernicus City with Sarah, I felt that he had lost faith in me. If I was the real Lacus Clyne, then why was I the one in hiding? It should've been that other woman, the imposter, who fled! Not me!

But…was that the reason why the chairmen sent me into hiding? Did he think that _I_ was the fake?

No! It was impossible. I was Lacus Clyne. I was! If I looked like her, if I sounded like her, if I even talked like her, then why couldn't I believe that _I_ was Lacus Clyne? I had to be! There was no other explanation. So why was I so doubtful?

I never expected it to go like it had. I had sent the letter in part of my own feelings. I truly wanted to know _why_ I was being targeted, if at all. But, I had thought that Athrun was dead. I hadn't expected him to be there, in the theatre along with the others.

I lost my composure again. I screamed and almost shot Athrun. And they…they called me Meer. Not Lacus. Meer. Was I Meer? Was I not Lacus Clyne?

I focused on the other woman with pink hair, the one who said she was Lacus Clyne. I wasn't her. I was me, _I _was Lacus Clyne. Wasn't I? She made it very clear that we were two different people, and even If I did have her looks and her voice, her name even, that there was no way that I could ever be her. And although she claimed I had stolen her identity, she didn't seem mad at all.

I remembered my old self quite suddenly, Meer Campbell. The girl with gray hair and Lacus Clyne's voice. The difference between us was all too clear, painfully, in fact. If I had never had that surgery, I would still be the girl with gray hair and Lacus Clyne's voice, and nothing more. I realized that to think I could ever be Lacus was so incredibly stupid, because even though I acted like her for so long there was no way I could ever be her, because standing in front of me was living breathing proof that Lacus Clyne was a totally different being from myself. She was kind and gentle in a way that I could never be. She was a star that I could never reach, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't Lacus Clyne, only a wannabe with her voice.

It still hurt, though, knowing that I wasn't the star I thought I was. I loved Lacus Clyne in a way that no one else could, she was my idol. And knowing that I was a fake, that I wasn't her, even though I tried, it disgusted me. I didn't know if these people would accept me as one of them, after what I had done. But they offered to take me with them, even though they were ambushed and almost killed. I was so scared that I would be killed, right after I became myself again, that I could barely think and had to be dragged around like a helpless dog.

And now…now I'm laying on the cold, hard surface of the theatre, shuddering and struggling for breath in Lacus Clyne's arms. No one will ever remember me, after my death, for I'm not Lacus Clyne. I'm not anyone important anymore. I'm just Meer Campbell, the girl with Lacus Clyne's voice and face. I haven't done anything important as myself, so there's no reason that I should be remembered. The only one who will be remembered is Lacus Clyne, through my doings. And my old friends…the ones I had before I became Lacus Clyne…will they remember me? Will they even know I'm dead?

I had never though I'd die like this, not before I changed, and not after I changed. It won't be huge news tomorrow, or ever. This day will not be remembered and mourned. It'll just be a regular day in the year, with no celebration whatsoever.

"Remember…please remember. My songs…and my life. Don't forget…who I was." I hand Lacus Clyne the photo of the real Meer Campbell, _me_, before I had gotten surgery, before I looked like her.

"She has a kind and cheerful face. Is this your picture?" She asks me.

"Uh huh." I nod. _Please, __**please**__ remember me…_

"Meer!" It's Athrun talking now, yelling my name. Everything is going blurry and fuzzy, and I find it hard to focus. I look over to him, the gesture causing me to gasp.

"I wish…I could've…got to know you better. All of you," I force out.

"No, Meer!" Athrun yells, and his desperation for my survival makes me smile in the slightest. I start to cry, my wishes sincere. It seemed so unfair, to have my life taken away just after I had gotten it back…and this doesn't seem right. I believe, that if I had just refused the position of Lacus Clyne, I would have avoided this. I don't think that I was meant to do this. I wasn't meant to sing for Gilbert Durandal. I wasn't meant to die like this, cold and hurting and having a new chance at life stolen away from me.

The boy named Kira is shouting something to the pilot of that machine, but I'm in too much pain to understand what he's saying. Something about an angel?

I look back to Lacus Clyne, my breathing turning ragged from the tears and the pain. I want to look at her face one last time before I die, I want to tell her that I wish I could take it back, take everything I've done back. I want to tell her that I've always looked up to her, that it was my dream to be just like her, but I didn't know that I would mutilate her views and beliefs like I had.

I wish I could tell her this. I wish I could. But I can't. I can't draw enough breath to tell her everything I want to.

This is fate, it seems.

"I'm so sorry…"

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**Yeah...if you haven't noticed, I used the english version of Meer's last words and what everyone else is saying...I just thought that those words were more touching and angstyfying, and I thought that when she said she wanted to know them all better it sounded a lot less conceited than in the japanese version (well, the subbed version that I watched. There's other versions that are better) when she said she only wanted to know Athrun better...yeah.**

**Well, I made a lot of references to the hair colour, and I think that I should explain why. You see, I think that back when Meer's hair was that drab gray colour, she wished that her hair could've been a nicer colour, something that would be remembered, and hated her hair for its unoriginal colour.**

**And, I liked the thought that Meer wanted to say more than sorry, but she didn't have enough energy to, because, of course, she died right after she said it.**

**Anyways, I'd like to know what you all think of this, even if it's just to tell me that Meer was really un-Meer like. So, go click that button. Please. The one that says "go!"**


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